2028…the end of the world. No one expected the fall of civilization amidst dirt-cheap gas prices and the new world peace treaty signed by President Obama. Who would’ve thought that a world ran completely on solar and wind power could be destroyed so easily? With world hunger and street violence at a record 0%, most scholars (meaning everyone, thanks to the “Free Education For All (FEFA) Treaty”), would have laughed at this a year earlier. Unfortunately, the actions of one man defied all odds…this is his story.
38-year-old starving artist Brendan Takash was busy taking drive-thru orders one morning when he received a call on his cellular phone (an prehistoric relic…he couldn’t afford an InvisaPhone). It was a Columbia Pictures, interested in his script. They agreed to buy it if they could change the name from “Spiritual Psychosis” to “Friday the 13th Part 22: The Ghost of Jason Voorhees,” with a few tweaks to the plot of course. Desperate, he agreed to sell his baby.
Four weeks later, the film was complete. Brendan was excited to finally to be a part of the movie making process. The director even let him do a bit of the editing of the film. Things were looking great for Brendan Takash.
Millions of movie-goers lined up to witness the film. Millions went home disappointed. Rotten Tomatoes gave it a rating of -12%. “It’s like a contest to make each one worse than the last,” wrote one New York Times critic. “This was offensively bad.” So bad that Pope Benedict XVI (thanks to Universal Health Care) proclaimed that it offended Jesus himself.
Director Uwe Boll fled for Canada, but not without assuring the public that it was Brendan Takash who had made the entire movie. Brendan tried protesting, but reporters were quick to call him “a terrible filmmaker and a liar.”
Japan, where most of the movie was filmed, was completely insulted. Nuclear holocaust was the only answer. Soon, Europe, Africa and the rest of Asia formed an alliance, while North and South America teamed up as well. Australia decided to “sit this one out.”
Now, we are on the verge of annihilation. Brendan Takash and his disgrace of a film has led to widespread hatred. Soon, every continent will be demolished. Cockroaches are busy planning their new world order.
Fighting was nearly prevented last week, that is until the production of “Friday the 13th Part 23” was announced.
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