3.15.09 - Slumgod Millionaire [Screenplay]

Announcer The guy who hands out the awards. This year, the Oscars don’t have any special way of presenting the nominees, so he takes care of that.

Danny Boyle The director of Slumdog Millionaire and 28 Days Later. An egotistical jerk.

Christopher Nolan The director of The Dark Knight. A jealous man who feels he’s being cheated.

Resul Pookutty Slumdog Millionaire’s sound mixer.

Peter Jackson The director of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. Famed Bollywood dancer.

Setting 2009, Auditorium holding the Oscars. Announcer stands at podium while the nominees sit to the right in chairs placed side by side.

ANNOUNCER

And the winner for Best Adapted Screenplay goes to...Slumdog Millionaire!

(gentle clapping)

BOYLE

(stands up and walks toward podium; accepts Oscar)

Thank you very much indeed...I’m...(pause). What is this, number 12? Is this my 12th Oscar? Is it?

ANNOUNCER

Yes

BOYLE
Yeah, me!

(returns to seat)

ANNOUNCER

(gentle clapping)

NOLAN

(from his seat, mockingly)

Douche...

ANNOUNCER

Thank you. And now we move to our next category: Best Sound Mixing. And the nominees are...

(with exaggerated energy, begins making rocket noises, throwing arms in different direction)

(in a deeper voice)

Best Sound Mixing.

(more rocket noises)

Wanted. Slumdog Millionaire. The Dark Knight.

NOLAN

Here we go! Finally, some recognition.

ANNOUNCER

(voice back to normal)

And the winner for Best Sound Mixing goes to...Slumdog Millionaire!

(gentle clapping)

NOLAN

Are you kidding me?!

ANNOUNCER

(tries to hand Oscar to RESUL POOKUTTY, but DANNY BOYLE takes it instead)

BOYLE

It’s okay, you can sit down, I’m here.

POOKUTTY
But...

BOYLE

Nah, take a break. You earned it. I earned it...for you.

(takes deep breath)

This is the greatest feeling I’ve ever felt...ever. It’s like nothing you’ll ever experience and I deserve this, you know? Y’all know what I mean? I deserve this. All of this.

(waves arms in a circle over the stage)

No one does it better than me. No one!

(slams fists on podium)

As for people I’d like to thank...

(takes his time pulling out a list)

I’d like to thank myself for being so genuinely perfect, and...well... thank you!

ANNOUNCER

(gentle clapping)

BOYLE

(while returning to seat, to Nolan:)

Hey failure.

NOLAN

How’s it goin’, Boyle?

BOYLE

Bling-bling

(flashes Oscars)

Perfectly.

ANNOUNCER

Thank you. Our next category is for best animated film. And the nominees are...

(robot beeping, more rocket noises, with a deep voice:)

Best Animated Film.

(robot beeping, random screaming)

Bolt. Kung Fu Panda. WALL-E.

(back to normal)

And the winner is...

(struggles to open envelope to add to the tension)

Slumdog Millionaire!

(gentle clapping)

NOLAN

What?! He wasn’t even nominated!

BOYLE

Oh my Me...Oh my Me...This was a tough one to pick up, but I knew it was mine. I earned it. I...I earned it. Look at this statue. Nolan, check this out.

NOLAN

No.

BOYLE
Look at it shine. Like me. Like my insanely brilliant artistic soul.

NOLAN

Can I say something here? Can I interject or something?

BOYLE

Mmm, ouch!

(fake stabs himself with Oscar)

Oh, it burns so sexy-nice!

(obscene dancing)

NOLAN

Does anyone really think he deserves this award?

ANNOUNCER

Excuse me, are you doubting the sainthood of Slumdog Millionaire?

NOLAN

Sainthood...are you kidding me?!

ANNOUNCER

Watch it Mr. Christopher “You-Suck” Nolan. Look at the scores. Schindler’s List only won 7 Academy Awards. Seven. Pathetic. SlumGod Millionaire has won all of them.

NOLAN

Not Best Documentary.

ANNOUNCER

Or did he?

(into cell phone)

Assassinate the “Man On Wire” cast and crew...yes...and their children.

BOYLE

Now do you understand, Nolan? This isn’t Kansas anymore, Batman.

NOLAN

What?

BOYLE

You know, ‘cause Batman’s from Kansas.

NOLAN

You’re all insane!

BOYLE

Shut up and eat your foot Nolan, we’re down to the last award. Winning this one will give me enough gold to create the perfect hydrogen bomb. I’ll start by blowing up your precious Kansas. Then...the world.

(All but NOLAN and ANNOUNCER sit down)

NOLAN
Is anyone listening to this guy?

BOYLE

Sit down failure.

(NOLAN stares at the ANNOUNCER, who shrugs, then begrudgingly sits down)

ANNOUNCER

And now onto our next category: Best Picture of 2008.

(rocket noises)

NOLAN

Can you shut the hell up and finish this?

ANNOUNCER

(offended)

Oh...

(emotionally destroyed, he opens the envelope)

And the winner is...

BOYLE

(taunts NOLAN with obscene gestures.)

ANNOUNCER

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King.

BOYLE

Are you kidding me?!

JACKSON

It’s time to let the big boys play.

(Music begins playing. ANNOUNCER, DANNY BOYLE, CHRISTOPHER NOLAN, PETER JACKSON and RESUL POOKUTTY dance randomly as the lights fade.)