3.15.09 - Goosebumps [Nonfiction]

If the television series Goosebumps has done anything for my life, it has scarred me. Okay, maybe that’s a little bit too extreme., but still, it was this show that kept me from climbing spiral staircases and sleeping with my teddy bear. Well, that and I’m an adult now, though I bet there’s plenty of successful people who sleep with their teddies and/or blankies.

Watching Goosebumps now, I can appreciate the horrible acting and costume work, but not when I was a kid. It was like MacBeth times infinity. I was glued to the set. Do you remember Horrorland? Just look at that name! “Hey, let’s take the kids to Horrorland, there’s some clean family fun! Maybe tomorrow we’ll check out Decapitationville!” How R.L. Stine not imprisoned for life? “The Headless Ghost,” “Monster Blood,” “The Blob That Ate Everyone.” The MPAA would’ve had a field day if they had gotten hold of him.

I, like probably every other child in the world, hated nightmares. In fact, my dad once told me that all I had to do was say “I won’t have a nightmare” over and over again, and I would be safe the entire night. I gave it a go; the first night, I was cured!The next night, my teddy bear was strangling me under my bed sheets.

More often than not, my dad’s advice saved me. It’s only fair then to put the blame on Goosebumps, the television show that spawned the two scariest dreams of my childhood.

The first one I already mentioned. I was sleeping in bed, nice and snug under the covers. I opened my eyes slowly and turned to my teddy bear. Right before I drifted off once more, it blinked! I opened them wide, and all of a sudden the dummy from Goosebumps is strangling me. I tried to scream for help, but it just kept squeezing tighter and tighter. Once, I had this dream three times in a row; a dream within a dream within a dream. Can you imagine being strangled three freakin’ times in a row? Can you imagine the kind of therapy I’m gonna need when my kid asks me for a teddy bear and I start whimpering like a sick puppy?

The second one is more creepy than violent. I’m on a tall, winding staircase, much like the one from “A Night In Terror Tower.” Anyway, I’m running around and around this thing, but it’s like I’m not even moving at all. I look down, and there’s this witch at the very bottom. She speeds through the air, and I’m still trying to make it to the top. She grabs me and screams and then, just my luck, I wake up to a dream of me being shot in the chest (it tickled, I recall.) I never had that dream again, but trust me, once was more than enough.

If only I still had those VHS recordings...let me tell you, the only thing scarier than killer teddy bears and witches on staircases is popping in a VHS you’re sure is a collection of Goosebumps episodes and having Oprah parade around on your television screen. I haven’t slept a day since.